On The Brink


So here I am, on the Brink…

My Crowd Funder is basically ready to launch

And yet I’m battling with ‘will it give me anxiety… the pressure’

The answer… I just don’t know

Last night was very difficult… Woke up screaming 3 or 4 times

My thought… All day I wanted to launch the Crowd Funder, but didn’t because I don’t want to put myself in a situation I can’t deal with

And I suspect, by not being able to do it, the energy within me charged up and came out with the screaming

So confused

Meanwhile there’s a lot of stress going on at home, which makes it even harder to have clarity

I feel like I’m living in fear… Which to a degree at least, I am, as I haven’t left the house since October

Anxiety and Panic issues are hell

Really confused which way to go with my Web Series, and Film Making in general right now

I have successfully healed/destressed myself since October, by just taking it easy, listening to that voice inside my head that says you need to get your life back… Your life beyond Film

8 Months+ straight of PreProduction last year

One of the most fulfilling things I’ve ever done creatively…

But, it left me stressed out, and mildly spinning out of control

So now I have my life back, how to go forward with Film without it consuming my day to day is a challenge

One possibility still on the table… Bring in a Director

I had two in mind from my current Crew, but one of them is out

Which remains the other, but I’m not sure he’s actually ever done any Directing or Film work, though I believe it’s what he wants to do as a profession

On top, and below all of this is the fact that my Dad wasn’t around when I was growing up… I mean, my brother and I saw him… And, I was glad he wasn’t around, because he doesn’t make a single effort to know who I am

We love each other… But basically he’s kinda self absorbed

Kinda like my brother, who I miss… We were so close growing up, but he’s been married, having kids, and now separated and dating someone else

Which is great… But I never see or hear from him

Other than occasional random nostalgic text

But as amazing as nostalgia is, it’s not the same as updating our relationship

The only other father figure has been my mom’s boyfriend, who was under strict orders ‘not’ to parent my brother and I when we were kids

But through osmosis, I’ve learned a lot from him

But overall, he’s kinda like Spock (Star Trek), lol

Operates primarily from a logical place, and I’m a very emotional/instinctive guy

We’re opposites… But were both Yankee fans, lol

I never thought not having a Dad around really affected me… I’ve always been really independent, and basically fathered myself…

But during this last year or so, I’ve really longed for a male figure to bounce things off of in regards to this project

My brother doesn’t care much about anything I do… So he’s not it

My mom’s boyfriend really isn’t emotionally available, which really won’t help me

And my Dad… Well when I talk to him, he’s depressed about mortality because many of the people he knows are passing away, or sick

He’s 77 after all

And he’s 100% not emotionally available

I’m surrounded by Vulcans, lol

My mom’s always been the rock I leaned on when needed over the years… But she’s 75, and just not really able to be there emotionally anymore.. Not for years now

My girlfriend is amazing, but that doesn’t leave me with any guys to talk about things with

I became quick good friends with my Visual Effects guy, but then when we were preparing for our Second Shoot, he suddenly became a Controlling, Non Communicative person to deal with… Another Vulcan, ha

Now that I think about it, this other guy I’m thinking about having Direct it is also kinda a Vulcan, lol

Oh well

Nuff Said

Thanks for Listening/Reading




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